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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Winter Romantic

            This winter, we in the south, have received a little taste of what it is like to live in cold-weather places. I received the following story several years ago. I thought it was hilarious, so I filed it away. I have no idea who wrote it. Obviously, it was somebody, who lived in a place with long winters.
            It was probably written by a guy like me: someone from a warm-weather climate, who has always romanticized moving to an area that experienced true winter. At last, he received his wish.
            I have no idea what biblical text it illustrates, nor what great theological truth or practical lesson it conveys. Maybe the great epiphany is this: be careful what you wish for.

"The Diary of a Snow Shoveler"

            December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our tea and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

            December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
            This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

             December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

              December 14 – Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to minus 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

            December 15 - Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

             December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt sooooo bad. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

            December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

            December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another fourteen inches of the horrid stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
            Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
            December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because thirteen more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to stop and help my wife. By the time I got back out there again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
            December 23 - Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? Is she nuts!!!??  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

            December 24 – Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
            I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that rotten snowplow.

            December 25 - Merry -GROAN- Christmas! Twenty more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's lost her mind. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her the microwave.

            December 26 - Still snowed in. Why on earth did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

            December 27 - Temperature dropped to minus 30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after fourteen hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

            December 28 - Warmed up to above minus 20. Still snowed in. THE WOMAN I MARRIED is driving me crazy!!!

            December 29 - Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

            December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver!  He is now suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him !!!
            The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.

            December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
            January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But wonder why I am tied to the bed?

            Okay. All of you who live in snow climates. Is it this bad?

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