The Difference Between “I Can’t” and “I Can”

           The following letter to Ann Landers appeared Saturday, January 4, 1986, in THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS:

 Dear Ann Landers:

            The rightness or wrongness of abortion aside, I would like to say a few words to those people who say that they are "financially and emotionally unable" to care for a handicapped child.

            My husband and I have six children from 12 years to 11 months old.  Our 12-year old daughter has severe cerebral palsy and is unable to walk or feed herself.  She speaks with great difficulty.  Not a day dawns when I feel either emotionally or financially able to care for my handicapped child and equal to facing the heartbreak and inconvenience.  But I do the best I can and somehow everything gets done.

            I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has said to me, "I don't see how you do it.  You're remarkable! We couldn't get together the money to buy a new wheelchair and it would kill me."

            I used to smile when people would tell me how thankful they were for their healthy children and that they could never take care of a handicapped one.  I tell them they could handle whatever challenge they had to face.  I then explain brain damage does not always occur at birth.  A car accident, a high fever or an injury can cause as much damage as a congenital problem.

            Most of the brain-injured children I know sustained their injuries after birth.  Their parents are in a state of shock when the injury occurs, but like the rest of us they adjust to the tragedy and do the best they can.

            Life is not always fair and it wasn't meant to be. The same couple who decide to abort their baby because they learn through amniocentesis that the fetus is abnormal could have a car accident on their way home from the abortion clinic and wind up with a husband or wife who is in worse condition than the baby would have been.  Would they then say, "I can't  handle this emotionally or financially?"  I doubt it.  Somehow they would find the strength to do whatever is necessary.

            We parents of handicapped children are not superhuman nor are we emotional giants.  We just know that sometimes you have to take what life hands you and do the best you can with it.

            I know from my own life and the lives of the brave families I associate with that the difference between saying "I can't" and "I can" is often saying "I will".

-- Susan S. in Danville

Dear Susan:

            You've written a remarkably sensible letter and I thank you for it.  I know you don't consider yourself "special" but let me tell you, you are.  You didn't choose the role, but you are handling it with dignity and courage.  I doff my bonnet to you Susan, and to all the other out there who are traveling the same road.