I
received this eight years ago. I thought it was hilarious. Happy post
Thanksgiving!
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during
the proceedings.
Mary
Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has
collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in
the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published later. From Mrs.
Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transcripts, all recorded by
America's keepers of the word:
Q. Did you ever stay all night
with this man in New York?
A.
I refuse to answer that question.
Q.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.
I refuse to answer that question.
Q.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.
No.
Q.
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.
By death.
Q.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Q.
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q.
What is your name?
A.
Ernestine McDowell.
Q.
And what is your marital status?
A.
Fair.
Q. And
who is this person you are speaking of?
A.
My ex-widow said it.
Q. How
did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really
good.
Q.
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.
I should be.
Q.
How many times have you committed suicide?
A.
Four times.
Q.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q.
Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A.
Yes, sir.
Q.
Before or after he died?
Q.
What happened then?
A.
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q.
Did he kill you?
A.
No.
Q.
Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
A.
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.
No.
Q.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.
Picking them up in the air.
Q.
Where was the dog at this time?
A.
Attached to the ears.
Q. And
lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A.
Oral.
Q.
How old are you?
A.
Oral.
Source: Laugh & Lift
Daily Issue 4/14/03 - Message
WebMail - Laugh & Lift
Daily Issue 4/14/03
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