Top Ten Fun Things to Do In a Mall

It’s time for something funny. Someone sent this to me several years ago:

Top Ten Fun Things to Do In a Mall

      

            10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

    

               9. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

              8. At a department, buy pajamas in the clothing department, change into them, and then test mattresses in your pajamas.

 

              7. Rummage through the jellybean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

              6. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

           

               5. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

             4. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

             3. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".

             2. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

              1. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

Baby Boomers: The 60's and revisited in 2013

           I thought this was a pretty humours look at my generation, which someone compiled:

Baby Boomers: The 60's and revisited in 2013
Then: Long Hair. 
Now : Longing for hair. 
Then: Acid Rock. 
Now : Acid Reflux. 
Then: Moving to California because it's cool. 
Now : Moving to California because it's warm. 
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 
Then: Paar. 
Now : AARP. 
Then: Rolling Stones. 
Now : Kidney stones. 
Then: Being called into the principal's office. 
Now : Calling the principal's office. 
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 
Now : Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 
Then: Passing the driver's test. 
Now : Passing the vision test. 
Then: "Whatever" 
Now : "Depends"

      All I can say is that time has flown by, and I agree with the writer of James: Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (James 4:14. NIV)

The Great Reward

            The story is told of an elder from a church in Scotland who was going to take a trip to the Holy Land. Enthusiastically, he said to his preacher, “And when I get there, I'd mean to climb Mount Sinai and read the 10 Commandments from the top of it.”

            With some skepticism, the preacher replied, “I can tell you something better than that to do. If I were you, I would spend some time here at home and keep the 10 Commandments.”

            Remember, when it comes to the 10 Commandments, keeping them is the great reward.

Top Ten (Worst) Analogies Found in High School Papers

          My wife, Judy, teaches writing at a junior high school in Tyler. I bet she can relate to the following, which gave me a laugh:

Top Ten Worst Analogies Found in High School Papers

10. “The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."

9. “He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

8. “The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

7. "McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

6. "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

5. "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

4. "Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets         T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake."

3. "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

2. "The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

1. “Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

            Clearly, these analogies were efforts poorly conceived and executed. They fall short of the mark… like my efforts before God have often done.

"23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…" (Rom. 3:23 NIV.)

The Donkey and the Dad

            When we lived in Argentina, I read a fable. It was out of Mexico, I believe, but it quickly became a favorite of mine. Since, I have seen it translated many times.

            A father was traveling with his son and a donkey. As they walked through a village, the father was leading the donkey while the boy walked behind.

            The residents of the village derided the father for not riding. To quiet them down, the father hopped on the donkey’s back and began riding.

            As they approached the next village, the townspeople reproached the father. “How inconsiderate,” they said, for he rode while making the son walk. In order to please the people, the father dismounted and placed his son on the donkey’s back.

             A few miles down the road at the next village, the people chided the boy for being lazy and making his father walk. They argued that both the father and son should ride the creature. So the father climbed back on and they set off again.

            In the fourth village, the citizens reacted with great anger when they saw father and son ride into the village. How cruel to make the donkey carry two people!

            Father and son were last seen exiting the village—both carrying the donkey down the road.

            It is ridiculous to try to please everyone.

            I am sure that is one of many reasons Jesus said that THE one whose opinion should concern us is God (consider Luke 12:4-12.)

Going to Bed Angry

            Husbands and wives should never go to bed angry. There is an old story about a husband and wife who were experiencing a conflict. They each resorted to the classic “silent treatment.”

            Then the man realized he would need his wife, who was an early riser, to awaken him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper before bedtime, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

            The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had not awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

            The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

            Conflict can hurt relationships. It is impractical.

            One way to address conflict is to address anger. Paul shared these words of practical advice, “’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Eph. 4:26-27 NIV.)           

            Those are good words to live by.

           

“I’ll Be Different from my Parents”

           All of us who are parents would love to have the admiration of our children. Unfortunately, that proves to be very difficulty.

            As an example, let me share with you an essay that my friend’s son wrote when he was in the fifth grade. The city newspaper got a hold of it and ran it in the Sunday edition. I think you may find the letter humorous:

            I have four ways I’ll be different from my parents and here they are.  First I will not be as strict.  Second I will let my kids do anything except watch some rated R movies. Third I will have a different occupation and be more adventurous.

            The reason I picked not to be as strict is because all parents are strict but they never admit it.  Also kids don’t like strict parents.  I will let my kids watch some rated R movies because some are historical like Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line.

            My third reason was I will be more adventurous.  I would like to bungee jump and I would also like to climb a mountain unlike my parents.

            Also, I will have a different occupation than my parents because my Dad is an accountant and my Mom is a teacher.  I haven’t decided what I want to be yet, but I think I want to be something a little more exciting!!

            Aren’t you glad God did not call us to be admired by our kids? That would be a tough job! Instead, he called us to love our kids, serve our kids, and train our kids in the ways of the Lord.            

            That we can do.

The Complaining Shopper

            A few years ago, a cartoon ran in the magazine NATIONS BUSINESS. The scene was a department store.

            The clerk at the complaint department received a woman shopper who told her, “I wish to file a complaint.”

            The clerk replied, “Madam, it may interest you to know that 19 of our clerks have turned in complaints about you!”

            No one likes to hear complainers. This is especially true in churches. That’s why Paul wrote to a church in turmoil, 14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe… (Phil. 2:14-15 NIV.)

Ask And It Shall be Given

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Luke 11:9.) NIV 1984

            One evangelical pastor had a three-year-old daughter who certainly believed that verse. Here is how her mother recounted the story:

            My husband is a minister who conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, as well as those with prayers or other requests, to come forward.

            To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without a word to me, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request.

            When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask for her request. She whispered, "Can we go to the restaurant after church?"

The Farmer Who Bested Daniel Webster

            Legend has it that the great 19th century U.S. senator and debater, Daniel Webster, was once topped in an exchange with a farmer from his state of Massachusetts.

            It seems that Webster had been hunting and had walked several miles from his Inn. Rather than make the long trip back, he came upon a farmhouse after dark. Webster began forcefully knocking on the door.

            After some time, an upstairs window opened and the farmer, roused from his sleep, stuck his head out. Calling down to Webster he said, “What do you want?”

            Webster called back up to him, “I want to spend the night here.”

            “All right,” the farmer called back down, “Stay there.” Then the farmer shut the window… and went back to bed.

            Jesus wants people of his Kingdom to open the door to those who need his hospitality.

Wisdom from a Teacher

         School will be starting soon, and I am reminded of the wise teacher who sent a note to all parents of her students on the first day of school, "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Justice and the Biker

            I will be preaching on justice Sunday week. One of my favorite stories is a humorous one concerning justice. It is about a man who appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates:

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, " Now, back off! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

            Unfortunately, the pursuit of justice DOES often come at great cost—even for those who seek it in a non-violent way. See Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr. … and Jesus.

            Remember, it was God who said, “But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!” (Amos 5:24.) NIV 1984

       

Timid Souls of the World—Unite! (If that is okay with everybody.)

         A witty fellow named J. Upton Dickson once claimed he was writing a book entitled Cower Power.

         Related to that, he planned on forming an advocacy group called DOORMATS: “Dependent Organization of Really Meek And Timid Souls-if there are no objections.”

         The group’s motto was to be, “The meek shall inherit the earth-if that's okay with everybody.”

         All of that is clever, but it misses the meaning of biblical meekness. In the Bible, meekness is human power under God’s control.

         That is why Jesus was called “meek.” He submitted his humanity to the control of his Heavenly Father. Hence, he cleaned out the temple and submitted to the cross. In both cases, he was acting on behalf of others—just like his Father wanted.

Oilmen in Heaven

            There is a joke that Warren Buffett tells of an oilman who died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, “Well, I checked you out, and you meet all the qualifications. But there's one problem. We have some tough zoning laws up here, and we keep all of the oil prospectors over behind that fence. And, as you can see, it is absolutely full. There is no room for you.”

            “Do you mind if I do say four words?” the oilman asked.

            Peter replied, “I see no harm in that.”

            So the prospector cupped his hands and yelled out, “Oil discovered in hell!”

            The gate to the fence was unlocked and all of the oilmen rush out and headed due south.

            Peter told the oilman, “That's a pretty slick trick. Go on in and make yourself at home. You have all of the room in the world.”

            The oilman paused for a moment, and then he told Peter, “No, I think I'll go along with the rest of boys. There might be some truth to that rumor after all.”

            The Bible says that, like the oilman, people have an enormous ability to deceive themselves. As the book of Jeremiah says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9.)

Like Water to a Drowning Man

            A prominent bishop was once approached after a service by an old lady. She said to him in a tone of appreciation, “Bishop, you’ll never know what your sermon meant to me. It was just like water to a drowning man!”

            Unfortunately, from time to time I know exactly how that Bishop felt. I hope, though, I never forget the power of the gospel in its purest form:

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile (Rom. 1:16.)

The Parrot and the Burglar

            An old story goes like this:

            Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

            Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

            The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

            He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

            "Yes", said the parrot.

            The burglar breathed a sigh of relief; then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

            "Clarence," said the bird.

            "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

            The parrot said, "The same idiot who named this Rottweiler, Jesus."

            Like the burglar, all of us will be held accountable some day by Jesus, and this Jesus is more powerful than a Rottweiler, “But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare” (I Pet. 3:10.) NIV

Courage and the Tooth

            Rick Ezell tells a story of a woman and her husband who interrupted a vacation to see a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry,” the wife said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we will be on our way.”

            The dentist was very impressed. “You're certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

            The wife turned her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

            It is easy to be courageous when it comes to another person’s tooth. It is much more difficult when it is one’s own.

            God never calls us to be courageous vicariously. Courage, for God, is always personal.

            “Be strong and courageous…” (Josh. 1:6a.)

            

So Much To Do

            A preponderance of stories exists about Winston Churchill’s encounter with a group of ladies from the Temperance Movement. World War II had recently ended, and the women were clearly agitated about reports of his drinking.

            One version has the movement’s spokeswoman admonishing Churchill, “Mr. Prime Minister, we are advised that if all the brandy you had drunk during the war were poured into this room, it would come up to here?”

            The woman then held her hand at a point about halfway to the ceiling.

            The Prime Minister looked at her hand, then at the floor, then at the ceiling, and finally at her. “My dear lady,” he said, “so little have we done; so much have we yet to do.”

            I don’t know how strategic it is to join a temperance movement, but the thought of temperance is a healthy one. Take eating, for example. Eat too much, and we are guilty of gluttony. Eat too little, and we risk harming our bodies through self-starvation.

How do you Trace Your Family History?

            We live in such a cynical age.

            This was from the advice columnist “Dear Abby” several years ago:

            Dear Abby,

            I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

            Sam

            Dear Sam,

            Yes. Run for public office.